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Topic: Rants You brought this on yourself and it's high time you left it there
08:05pm, Monday 21 Jul 2003
Song of the Day: Dido - Slide

Yay me, I've made some friends!

Yes me, the eternal loner, has made some cool female buddies to drink with which is one tiny little step towards a normal life. Both Aussies, Debs has been here for 6 years and Shaz for just over a year. Through them I've met a few more aussies and pretty soon I'll (hopefully) meet more. Its weird.. I feel like I'm playing real life Sims (what the?).

Last night I went over to Debs' house which is a few train stops up from me. It was her birthday so we were planning to stay over at her house and do the girly video thing. She brought along another called Liz who had been here since February. Liz is cool, she works in advertising and tends to go out drinking almost every night of the week, bless her. We spent the night drinking wine and regaling each other with stupid stories and watching terrible movies (have you seen The Good Girl? well don't.. its fucking hopeless) and for a minute the sinking feeling in my heart was quietened. I slept on a blow up air mattress in a very quiet house, the best nights sleep I've had in ages.

Of course, the subject of men came up and the story of me and Michael came out. Both girls agreed I should stop being so hard on myself and just cut loose and enjoy life, but its really hard. I miss him so fucking much all of the time that sometimes its all can do not to scream loudly and run for the hills. (This may also be because I rarely spend a minute of the day on my own, I am always surrounded by people in this city and I miss having a place to myself.) I don't care if he is crap and handled everything badly and was a total wanker, I still miss him and question myself every day on the wisdom of abandoning life in Adelaide. Clearly, I have learned nothing.

The girls suggested having a fling to get over it, but I am too chicken to 1) actually pick some guy up and 2) bursting into hysterical tears during the deed, thus mortifyingly embarassing myself (have done this before, its unstoppable when it happens). I don't know, I keep hoping it will go away so I keep it on the edges of my mind, so much so that I almost fool myself into believing I'm over it, and then BAM I realise I'm full of shit and my heart is just one huge gaping hole. Fucking pathetic. God do I miss him though :( (am not silly to think I miss him when really I miss something familiar/home either)

Speaking of home, my mother is coming over to visit in September. I am vaguely embarassed by this as have only been here 2 months, but the truth is that we are pretty close and I do miss her. I call her every weekend and we talk for hours (last Friday it was 3) and I thank god for phone cards (5 pounds for 3 hours is pretty good!). I'm sure we will drive each other mad when she's here (and I don't know how my housemates will take it) but I hope she ends up staying up north with the rest of the fam for a while. She has her ticket booked for a 3 month stay, but she doesn't reckon she'll stay that long. We'll see.

I was sitting outside before having an illicit cigarette (I'm supposed to have given up) and this guy walks past and he says to me "whatever it is, it can't be that bad. He's not worth it" and then walked off. Thats the second random person this week to say something like this to me.. and each time they say it I've been thinking about Michael and thinking about how powerless I feel about the whole thing and how much a fucking fool I was thnking I was safe and secure with this person when all along he was dying for me to leave. I dunno, its all rooted. I know I know, if its meant to be blah blah blah. I'm just so... I don't know. I feel so *hurt*. He promised he would never make me feel that way. I haven't felt hurt in such a long time. I feel pouty and pathetic and very "its just not FAIR!" even though I KNOW life isn't fair, and people WILL fuck you over if you give them the opportunity.

Ahhh fuck. Fuggedaboutit. Enough. Sleep. Night.

p.s Am moving early August. Housemates drove me mad enough and the thought of not making any friends at ALL was killing me. They're cool about it though, and I'm about to move to the dodgy area of Finsbury Park with 3 brit guys. (Debs told me "you don't screw the crew!".. even if he is cute.. duh) Howard is in IT (not sure what), Sam just finished his masters from Cambridge I think, and Michael.. well, I didn't meet him, but I hope he's a nice guy but already the odds are stacked against him based purely on his name.. poor lad. Will keep you posted. Maybe I'll be different.

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