07:17pm, Monday 4 Mar 2002
Song of the Day: Aimee Mann - Save Me
Its been a weird month.
From week to week, life seems to change. At first I thought it was for the better, more people around me and getting out more and all that stuff.. and mostly I just felt like I was standing around watching it all happen.
This weekend was particularly painful for me, mostly because I think I've lost all ability to actually *feel* anything. I'm hoping its like anaesthetic and it will wear off soon. The weird thing is, I've become what I hated the most - I've become Ms No-Emotional-Stuff-For-Me-Thanks-I'm Full. And I've taken what I had and turned it around so that I'm on the other side.
VBG reckons I'm doing it for forgiveness. If I can be the same as he once was, then I can understand what it is like and forgive. Interesting theory.
The biggest problem is that I'm trying to recycle my behaviour from what I *was* before all this happened. The problem is, I've moved on, I'm not that giving, or sweet, or naive, or selfless anymore and its causing a godawful headache of conflict between the two personalities in my head.
Take the joy bubble for instance. I used to get the joy bubble.. constantly. The joy bubble is when you listen to music or its a bright sunny day or whatever rocks your boat, and you smile at every goddamn idiot in the street, thankful to be alive and happy that you're in love. I don't get the fucking joy bubble. I've had it my whole life - and now its temporarily gone on leave. I don't get angsty either - no anger at what someone has said to me or done to me. Nothing. Empty.
So what do I do? Go back to the girl who was more morally attractive, but got fucked over? or remain emotionally detached from everyone and everything and not get hurt? I'll be fucked if it was a conscious decision, but I'm not entirely sure its a bad thing. One thing is for sure.. I don't justify it by dismissing someone elses feelings once I've put out a token "oh this is how I am take it or leave it".
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