11:31pm, Monday 28 Jan 2002
Song of the Day: Carly Simon - You're So Vain
I can't sleep. I haven't opened my mouth in 3 days - literally have not used my voice at all.
I never really thought about hurt as a state of mind before, only that it was something that happened in life and eventually passed. The funny thing with hurt and pain is that after the first infliction, subsequent inflictions within a short time period wear you down. What may not have hurt you so much normally effects you twice as much because you're still carrying hurt that you haven't yet got over. I think this is why rebound relationships are a bad idea.
But I think this theory can be applied to other areas too. I thought about how sensitive I've become lately, and I was able to trace back the initial hurt, and the subsequent wearing down of any optimisim or hope I had. I've gone so far back I'm into negative now.. I think this means that the slightest thing hurts me. And it does.
I've noticed that over the last few weeks I have gotten some of my feelings back. For a while there I was wallowing in guilt about my mum, and sadness about other things in my life. But I feel better about that now. The problem is, I can only feel the negative emotions. I can feel angry, or sad, or dissapointed in my so-called friends, but I can't feel joy. I haven't felt joy in months. At least, not about my personal life.
And if you think this post is narcisstic, then fuck off and read someone elses webblog. Try livejournal, I hear the philosophical discussion there is second to none.
Maybe thats why I feel so negative. The world wants me to be a livejournal bimbo. Any thoughts or deviations from Planet Chick are abnormal and to be scorned. Be true to yourself. Fuck the rest. Live alone.
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