07:09pm, Tuesday 30 Oct 2001
Song of the Day: Celebrity Skin - Hole
I don't really know what to say, so I'll just say what comes to mind.
A month ago today we were on our way home from the big trip. Before the shit really hit the fan. A month ago today I still had a relationship, a housemate and a fairly stable family. A month ago today I still had hope for my mum.
Today I have no relationship. As much as I try to have the strength to get through it, I just cannot find it within me to save it by myself. There are those who would say that if you really want it to work, you'd make it work. To me, that is a load of shit.
All the attention, strength and caring I have has gone to my mum. As it should, some might say. Negativity is the only thing left to give an unsupportive and unloving relationship. Stress, misunderstanding, frustration, he has them all.
Two stronger people may have gotten through this, relationship intact. But we didn't. Strength does not necessarily mean the strength to keep a relationship going - if the will has gone, nothing can ressurect it. In this case, strength means to face your fears - about your own mortality or that of those you love. To be truly supportive of a partner in a time of crisis, you have to give up this fear. Sometimes people cannot face those fears, and they run away - usually when we need them most.
Which is why I guess I am finding it hard to get angry at him - even though I should be furious. I understand all too well (which is not to say I'd do the same thing by any stretch of the imagination.) But let it be said that when this is over, when the crisis with my family has past, I will remember how hurtful love can be, how deserting.
Right now I wish him every luck in the world. Later, I may curse his existence. I wonder how he sleeps at night, how clear his conscience is. It doesn't matter what the reasons are - the result is still the same. An important part of my life, a scary, bewildering, stressful and particularly bad part - and he was gone.
How ironic that at another important part of my life - a scary, bewildering, stressful but good part - he sticks around for. Travelling the world for the first time as adults together had us seeing through both the joy and frustration together, united.
How ironic that you should stick with me through the good times and desert me during the bad. There's a lot to be said for gypsies.
back to main
![[newer]](gfx/prev.gif){kind=small}
![[older]](gfx/next.gif){kind=small}