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She strikes another useless match..
11:07am, Friday 15 Jun 2001
Song of the Day: The Black Sorrows - Harley & Rose
For the last few weeks, I've felt the need to constantly reassure people to avoid miscommunication. Over and over again I state my case thinking that maybe this one time, words won't escape me, the pieces will fall into place and they'll say "oh! I get it now!" but it never happens.
It occurred to me last night that I reassure people because I myself want to be reassured. I think this is where half my problem is - I do things for people, look out for people and care about people because I just assume that they would do the same for me. The problem is, it doesn't work that way. People by nature cover their own butts first, and if there's one thing I've learnt in the last 3 months its that not everyone is looking out for your best interests - even if you are looking out for theirs.
I feel as though I did something terrible last night - by communicating how I feel I left myself wide open to hurt. And I do this constantly. I always assumed honesty was the best policy, because I myself would rather know something than have it hidden from me to spare my feelings. By opening ourselves up and saying exactly what's on our minds, we open ourselves up to vulnerability - something not a lot of people can do. I suppose I can congratulate myself on being able to be mature enough to be vulnerable - even after all of the nasty relationship hurt I've had in the past. I don't carry my baggage.
Now I find myself in a situation that I didn't want to be in. I ended my last relationship because I felt as though I was exposing myself to hurt all the time and my partner was just a closed book - yet here I am, doing the same thing. The difference now is that I can recognise the whole "cave" thing for what it is and deal with it effectively. I'm here for the long haul, although I'm thinking that I could be beating a dead horse. What do you think?
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