01:28pm, Tuesday 1 Apr 2003
Song of the Day: Crowded House - Don't Dream It's Over
As the time to leave approaches, things start to feel more and more real.
I've booked my (one-way) flight, paid for my hotel, and moved half my house to my mothers place. I've thrown so much stuff away that the binmen are on a first name basis with me. My house echoes in a weird empty like way.. and my pathetic couch and tv in the loungeroom remind me of the days I was on Centrelink.
I'm seeing some of my friends leave the office, off to new jobs or just to slack off for a while. One of my bestest friends just got a job at Channel 7, and the other is off on a European adventure for the next 4 weeks. Everybody is diversifying and moving away, at a state, national and country level. I feel like I have to move too, or I'll be left behind.
I'm going to the supermarket and buying shampoo, washing powder, dishwashing liquid etc in smaller bottles because I won't finish a bigger one before I leave. I'm packing up my canned goods to give to my sister. I've given away so many clothes to charity, and sold much, much more on eBay. I've researched hotels in London til I couldn't stand it anymore, and got the best deal available. I've made a huge list of all the things I want to see and do and someday maybe I'll get through it.
I've applied for jobs, looked at rental properties, and daydreamed about the future. I've thought about escaping to other european cities, and wondered how it would be to sit on the grass in Hyde Park on one of those rare sunny days and truly believe that I made it.. all by myself. I've thought about the commute on the tube I'd probably have to do everyday, I've planned approximate mini-breaks and places to go. The most important thing has been to keep busy, busy, busy. Because if I sit down to think about it: my future is laid out in front of me, with barely a signpost in sight, I get scared and start to think its a bad idea. Theres no reason for me to get straight to work.. staying with my relatives will be a pretty cheap exercise. I could bludge for a fortnight or maybe more.. the point is, theres no definate plans and no real reason to do anything solid. Its liberating to have such freedom - but also, scary as all fuck.
And what about those things which define me? What will I do if I don't get a job? how will it feel to not be able to drive anywhere? What about the lack of Internet? what about sharing a house with people? what about leaving my cat at home? All of these things which define me and my life are about to change.
There I go again.. thinking too much. Time to get busy.
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